What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Every haunted house movie:
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold