Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I cannot stop laughing at this
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays