I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌