Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call