I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.