ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.