“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂