I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Can’t. Being lazy.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.