I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.