I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
You Might Also Like
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
peak technology
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.