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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.