Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math