doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.