“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
You Might Also Like
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?