I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
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You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.