My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Meeeee too!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible