*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden