escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
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I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did