Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The booster protects against what, now?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.