“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker