For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .