Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
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I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something