I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Going to church you guys need anything
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.