[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween