why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
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He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
That 👊
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs