Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars