Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Very problematic
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.