My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign