me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket