For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans