7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.