Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
i now pronounce you bounced.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
This kid is going places
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything