“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White