HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs