I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?