Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You Might Also Like
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years