My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
You Might Also Like
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
(Jupiter –
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
who wants to go expliring
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”