We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao