Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings