My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Worst Native American name ever.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family