The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”