Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning