Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 馃槅馃槄馃檳
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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don鈥檛 even know who I am anymore.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schr枚dinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time