a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
A man of commitment.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?