911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: