Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Bootstraps
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.