Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables