Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Spell check is for lasers.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*