Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem