If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Two types of dogs.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!